FEELINGS, SENSATIONS, AND THOUGHTS

There are so many questions running through my head right now. I can't even begin to distinguish one from another; they are terrifying and consuming, and taking control over me.
Until my Mum passed away, I never really thought of what it would be like to know that you are going to die. Perhaps for someone who held faith close to their heart, it would not be too bad - after all, heaven is supposed to be much better than 'life', right? I don't know.
The thought of dying terrifies me, the thought of missed opportunities and missed experiences saddens and pains me - it is like I miss them, but I haven't even had them yet.
I just want to hear her voice one more time.
I just want to hold her one more time.
I wonder how she felt?
She never told me, perhaps because she couldn't face the thought of telling her 19 and 15 year-old children that their mother wasn't going to be alive for much longer. Perhaps she didn't want to accept it, or maybe she thought she would honestly battle cancer.
That doesn't seem very realistic though, considering that once Lung Cancer is diagnosed at Stage IV, you statistically only have a 4% chance of surviving.
I try to cling onto every last bit of her. I don't want to wash her old clothes because they smell like her, I don't want to use her old perfume because it was hers...
I keep hoping that somewhere I will find a letter, a hidden treasure to me, explaining everything that she felt, possibly giving me some guidance.
I'm scared because she won't be there for the birth of my children, if I am to have any.
I'm sad because she won't be there for my graduation, if I graduate.
I'm lonely because she was my best friend, and I regret so much because I didn't tell her that enough.
Sometimes I forget that it has even happened, sometimes I think that I'll return back to London for a visit from Uni, and she will be there, sitting on the sofa, smelling like baby shampoo because all her hair had fallen out.
I just really miss her.
I'm confused and scared and anxious because I can't work out the ins and outs of life.
I can't comprehend the fact that one day we walk on this earth, we spend our money, we eat our food, we laugh with our friends; and the next day - we are gone. That's it. Now, we are 6ft under ground, covered in dirt surrounded by rotting skeletons.
I'd like to think of that 'person' as a shell, and that my Mum is not really there anymore. However, all I can see is her body lying in that coffin, which looked far too small for her (but I guess she did shrink a lot), with dirt on top of it.
What if she is cold? What if she is lonely? What if this was all a mistake and she tried to get out and she couldn't? I know that's a bit far fetched... but I never thought I could have so many things running through my mind at once before.
My Mum was the first person I have lost.
I feel guilty, because even though I have only smoked for under three years, smoking is what killed my Mum - sometimes I feel like I am friends with her murderer, and that he will turn around and murder me too. But I can hear my Mum's voice in my head when I think that; "Don't be silly - you do what you have to do for now, you just lost your mother".
The anxiety is so bad right now, sometimes I can barely force my body to keep going. I constantly think I am dying, or that I have some form of terminal illness and that I am going to die. Every single lump/bump/ache/pain/tightness/tingle I have in my body - I immediately think I have cancer. Then I get even more worked up because I am scared that one day, this anxiety will no longer be an anxiety, but a reality, but people will think it is still an anxiety, and I will die.
I know that one day, nature will take its course and I will die - I just hope I get to experience life before that happens.
I don't know if it is just because it is me trying to analyse myself, but sometimes I just don't see a future. It scares me in case that is a reality, and that I am having some sort of 'premonition' about it. Despite that, I didn't see myself living past my 18th birthday, and I am now 19 turning 20 in a few months...
I had a weird feeling about my Mum. A couple of weeks before she died, I turned around to someone and said "I don't see myself telling my children this IS your Grandma, only that this WAS your Grandma" - he shrugged it off, but I knew it was a weird feeling. A week later, it was the middle of a Uni week (I had lectures), and I randomly decided to go home, because I wasn't feeling too great, but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. Little did I know that this would be the last time I ever saw my mother's beautiful face again. We argued. I told her my fears about her dying, and she was just so angry. Everything I said either came out in the wrong way, or she took in the wrong way. It did however end up with her writing me a letter (which I never replied to - regret no.10000), telling me that I will never be alone. I don't even remember if I gave my Mum a hug, or a kiss, or told her I loved her when I saw her last... I know that I was in a rush because I wanted to go and see my friend (to smoke a joint - regret no.10001), and I just wanted her to hurry up (she was trying to be nice and make me soup).
Anyway, I suppose the point I am trying to make her is that, I am scared.
I am scared about life.
I am scared about death.
I am scared about whether one day I will know that I am going to die, and me being me who is already so petrified of death... well I just can't imagine that feeling.
I am scared that because I had feelings about my Mum's death, perhaps mine about myself are true as well - I hope not.
I am scared that as my Mum said, "life is too short", and I am not using it in the best way possible.
If you are out there Mum, please give me a little bit of strength, health and courage to get through this. I really miss you right now, and I need you now more than ever. I love you Mum, and I really hope you knew that.

CONSTANT

Constant thoughts, and constant shakes;
Dreading the moment when the next day wakes.
Knowing that I'll be in the same about of pain;
Knowing there will only be me to blame.

Another day of screwing up,
Another day of treading mud.
Another day of internal screams,
Another night of sleepless dreams.

Cycles and patterns, over and over;
All I want is peace and closure.
All I want is a new beginning,
A fresh start, a chance at winning.

If only I could rest it all,
If only I wasn't my own downfall.
Could it be that this is the end,
Could it be that I'll find a friend.

A friend who feels the same as I,
A friend who will stop me wanting to die.
Perhaps a chance at starting fresh,
Perhaps a chance to heal my flesh.

Today another cut was made,
A constant wish for a life I could trade.
Why can't I be happy, why can't I be free,
I'm stuck in a constant misery of me.

ACCEPT

I get it,
You hate me,
You blame me for all.
I get it,
You're angry,
You'll be my downfall.

I understand that you don't,
I understand that you can't,
I'll allow you to be happy,
I'll allow us to be apart.

I accept that you'll swim,
While I cry and I sink,
I accept that you'll win,
While I break on the brink.

I don't mind that you're ok,
I don't mind that I'm not,
I don't mind that I'm broken,
While you are on top.

Violence, actions and volatile words,
That's all they are, and I'll sing with the birds,
While you walk on earth,
I'll walk on hell,
My words will write the story,
I never got to tell.

Words are my expression,
My own form of escape;
Your story is your story;
Mine is what I create.

You can go and tell others,
If that is what you please;
But don't expect to eradicate
The pain, or make it ease.

Perhaps I am destined for a life of confusion,
Perhaps I am made for your own amusement,
Perhaps you are weak, and that is what I hate,
Perhaps you are strong, full of manipulate.

Do not offer your hand, do not offer your help;
You do not mean it - you just want to yelp.
I do not feel better by bringing you down;
So I'll allow you to smile, while I wear a frown.

ME

Mania,
Manic,
Can't stop.
Depressed,
Tired,
Must stop.

Commotion,
Emotion,
Too strong.
Days,
Nights,
Too Long.

Violence,
Lethargy,
Too weak.
Words,
Empty,
Can't speak.

Love,
Hate,
The same.
Thoughts,
Terror,
The blame.

Regret,
Hope,
A mixture.
Life,
Repair,
A fixture.

Confused,
Alone,
No resolution.
Sin,
Fear,
I am pollution.

HELP

All I wanted was a word of help,
It's all you had to do.
You never offered that word of help,
So I beat you black and blue.

It wasn't really my fault you see,
They call it flight or fight.
It wasn't really my choice you see,
It doesn't categorise wrong or right.

How do you think it makes me feel,
To see you sitting down so calm?
How do you think it makes me feel,
Alone in the dark writing psalms.

Psycho, maniac, you are insane;
Why do you choose to inflict this pain?
Why can't you just put me first for one day,
Why won't you just make the pain go away?

Why do I have to beg it and steal,
Why won't you just allow me to feel,
To feel the happiness of warmth and love,
Why are you always the one that's above.

You tell me I abuse, you tell me I demand,
All I ask for is a simple helping hand.
One that I do not have to ask for,
One that I was blessed with before;
Why do you not just ask me if I'm okay,
It would allow me to have such a better day.

A CHANCE TO FORGIVE

Me and you, we are one;
I hope our journey has not begun.
Me and you, we are one;
But I fear that we are done.

I once confided in you as a companion;
I once came to you as a friend;
I now approach you as a stranger;
Because I fear this is the end.

I used to hold you like a lover;
I used to look to you to reassure;
Now I don't know where to turn to;
Because life isn't like before.

But a fractured mind possessed of,
Nothing but evil sin;
I want to say I'm sorry;
But I don't know where to begin.

I am sure you already know;
I am not a sinner nor a saint;
But it doesn't come as a surprise;
I've become quite fragile and quite daint.

I say things I do not mean;
I do not know why;
But I say them with a heavy heart;
And I say them with a sigh.

I do not want to be ill;
I do not want to be sick;
But I feel stuck in a cage;
Made up of unbreakable brick.

Will you be my hero once more;
Will you save me from the pain;
Will you do as you did before;
So maybe I can start again.

I know it is a lot to ask,
For forgiveness;
For a second chance;
But I promise I wouldn't say it if these words were not true;
For without you I am not me, and without you will not do.

WITHOUT

Without you; I am not me.
Without me; I can't be free.
Without freedom, I have no passion,
Without passion, I have no desire.
Without desire, I have no love,
Without love, I have no you,
Without you, I have no me.