OPEN DOOR

Why have I become so sour,
Since when is it pain which brings joy to devour?

This is not recent,
I cannot blame it on your death.
This is not new,
These bitter words among my breath.

Is it innate, was it born from within?
If I want to reconcile, then where can I begin?

Why do I get so angry, so frustrated, so confused.
I feel like when I am breaking down, others get amused.

It is like people cannot fathom what it is like to lose control,
It is like they don't understand that my fractured mind won't make a whole.

I feel like I have bits, and pieces, and superglued parts,
All I want to know is when the madness ends, or maybe when it starts.

Perhaps I am the sane one, perhaps I have it in check;
Perhaps one day I will lose my mind,
Perhaps a broken concept.

I feel like I have something different,
A power I can't explain.
I feel like I get these sensations,
Ones that are running through my brain.

I didn't mean to hurt you, that was never my intention,
But before I apologise, there is one thing I have to mention;
I don't like it when you tell me I need help,
I don't like it when you scream, or when you yelp.
I don't like it when I kick you, and I don't like it when I punch;
But sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a prison,
Like I am dining at some sort of messed up lunch.

My brain gets so fuzzy, its like I can't take a grasp,
I can't get any air, I can't even gasp,
It's like I'm sinking and I'm drowning, but I am not beneath water,
Once I had a mother, and to her I was a daughter.

There is a recurring pattern here, do you not think?
I knew for a long time that my mother was going to sink...
And that's not because she told me, and thats not because she expressed;
I don't really know what it was - but if she wasn't told she was stressed;
Maybe she'd still be here, maybe she'd still be alive.
It's all I ever wished for, was that she would survive.

You think I'm crazy, you think I'm mad, but I promise I'm just grieving,
All I want to do is to get rid of this mind-blocking feeling.

But then you'll say it isn't that, because I was like this before;
So I don't know how to explain it - maybe I'm just meant to be this way;
A screwed up open door.