A LETTER TO A FRIEND

I wish I had a rubber, one that would erase the past;
I wish I had a remote, to make the memories last.
I wish I had a rewind button, do it over again;
I wish I could escape my prison, my own mental little den.

I thought I was doing better,
I thought I had finally escaped;
But something brought it back to me;
A personality, maybe a trait.

But if this is the way I am meant to be, then I do not see the point;
I cannot fathom how I can be three things, good, bad and joint.
I know I have a heavy heart, I know that I can love;
But why is everything so hard, is this a message from above?

I just want to say sorry, I want to apologise and move on;
But even if everybody else could, I just don't think it could be done.
I can't forgive myself, for the way that I have acted;
I can't allow myself to be contacted without showing I've reacted.

STOP TELLING ME I'M INSANE;
I can see it for myself.
STOP TELLING ME I'M TO BLAME;
I already blame myself.

But that's not fair, you're not a saint;
And you have really hurt me.
But if I step back, and take the shame,
Maybe then I can be free.

I know that I am sad, and I know that I'm depressed;
But I will not tolerate you making me feel like I am repressed.
Do not tell me to speak to someone; when you have hurt yourself too;
Do not tell me to seek help, when you did not do it for you.

Can you not see it makes me angry, can you not see it hurts me deeply?
Can you not see it makes me sad, can you not see it makes me weepy?
Do you not understand the mind of someone fragile;
Possibly not because you appear to be so agile.

But why, oh why, are you so easy to destroy?
I'm not trying to play with you - I know you're not a toy.
It's just that once you were so strong, once you were able to hold my weight;
And now to tell you my sorrow or to hide my sorrow,
well that is a constant debate.